(Anderson) Cooper: Hello and welcome everyone. The much awaited second US presidential debate is here. You know the world is fucked up when its idea of entertainment is to look at two old white NewYorkers yelling at each other on a Sunday night.
Anyway, let’s get done with it.
The debate is meant to be in a town hall format, but mostly Martha and I will be doing the talking. As for the audience, they will mostly clap and applaud even when not asked to and ask agonizingly inane and mundane questions in the limited opportunities that they get. So here we are. Please welcome Secretary Clinton and Sexual Assaulter Trump.
(Trump and Clinton enter the stage)
(Addressing Trump and Clinton)
This is the part where you two shake hands. Just don’t grab her by the crotch.
(They don’t shake hands)
Oh, not shaking hands, no problem, can understand not touching a man who can force himself into your mouth any moment. Donald, did I see you chewing some tic tacs? Anyway, let’s get started with the circus.
Question: Given the shit this campaign has degenerated into, can you guys at least provide lip service to the idea that your behaviour should not be batshit crazy and creep out our children?
Clinton: Great question. Because it allows me to just recite an answer I memorised about how our campaign attempts to lift everyone up.
(2 minutes of uplifting speech later)
So to conclude, our campaign slogan is “Stronger Together”. I bet you never heard of it since we were so busy trashing Donald Trump.
Trump: Since she just repeated a gist of her stump speech, I will do the same.
Obamacare is bad. Iran deal was bad. All our trade deals are bad. Trade deficit is bad. Crime is rising. You are going to die soon. Make America great again.
Cooper: That answer had nothing to do with the question. Anyway, you have talked on tapes about sexually assaulting women. How was the experience?
Trump: That was locker room talk. Not to be confused with “lock her in a room” talk which I shall be doing shortly. Words are words. They mean nothing. Do you seriously believe I would build a wall?
Cooper: No I don’t. But still…
Trump: ISIS is bad. ISIS is killing people. I am better than ISIS.
Cooper: But did you assault any woman?
Trump: No I didn’t. Bill Clinton did. Bill Clinton is a bad guy. He was my golf buddy and told me a lot of mean things. I am better than Bill Clinton.
Cooper: Secretary Clinton, do you want to respond?
Clinton: Trump is different. I have been saying since June. Of course, till May, he was my good friend. But he is nothing like my husband. My husband does not use tic tacs. That’s a blatant lie.
Trump: You were a Senator for eight years and a politician for thirty years. You say you don’t like tic tacs and yet you did nothing to improve tic tacs.
(Martha) Raddatz: Let’s get back to the tapes. You were a perverted, horny 59 years old guy when these tapes came out in 2005. Please tell us if you are a perverted, horny 70 years old guy today.
Trump: Ummm…2016 minus 2005? How much is it? 12? 13? Uh…Ok…11. So I add 11 to 59….Oh you are wrong, I am a 48 years old guy. And I am not old. I can tell you I have no problem down there. Have you seen the size of my hands? My hands are so big that I can grope you from here without moving an inch.
And you know what, when you are a star, the women let you do anything. Hillary is a woman. She should be ashamed of herself.
Clinton: You know what my friend Michelle Obama said – When they go low, we go high. Which is why our only strategy has so far been to run a vicious, negative campaign and attack Trump for any statement that he has ever made.
Trump: Secretary, I never knew Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama never served with me. But, Secretary, you are no friend of Michelle Obama. In fact, I saw you making faces at each other behind the President’s back.
And enough of this tape. Let’s talk about your emails. You deleted all your emails. I sent you an email offering a 20% discount on Trump lingerie. Where is that email? Did you delete that as well? You not only deleted your emails, before deleting them, you took out their printouts and poured acid over them, put them on fire and asked Sidney Blumenthal and Huma Abedin to dance around them. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Clinton: Lolz. This is just a bunch of lies. Go to my website and find out what is true. I don’t have time to deal with all of these right now. Frankly, I am getting late and I have to prepare for a speech I am delivering tomorrow at the Goldman Sachs.
Trump: You should be locked up. And we will build a nice and beautiful jail for you and you will pay for it. We will name it the Trump Purgatory. You will only have a 20 feet naked statue of Donald Trump for company. I bought it using the money of my foundation.
(Applause from the audience)
Raddatz: (Turning to the crowd) Oh, just shut the fuck up.
Now coming back to emails, Madam Secretary, was not your handling of emails a gigantic fuckup?
Clinton: I would not call it a gigantic fuckup. I would just call it a moderately big fuckup and I am really sorry for that. Also, I am very, very careful with classified information. I have classified information right now that more damaging Trump tapes are coming. But I am not disclosing them to anyone.
(20 seconds of uncomfortable silence)
Trump: Lies, lies, lies. She does not know the letter C in a document. Because all she got were Ds in high school. And who sends 33,000 mails for her daughter’s wedding. I got married thrice and I don’t even have an email account. Well, I tried to create an email account, but I wanted to keep “myhand” as my password. They rejected it saying the password was too small. I am going to hire a Special Prosecutor and have him investigate this scandal and put all these scumbags in jail.
Clinton: Delete your account.
Raddatz: But Secretary Clinton, do not you want to respond?
Clinton: Please go to my website to find out and let us hope it has not been hacked by these Russians.
Cooper: Let’s move on.
Trump: Wait, wait, Anderson. Why are you not bringing up the emails? Why are we not talking about the emails?
Cooper: We just did. The last ten minutes were only about emails.
Trump: (Pause of 20 seconds) Ok. Let’s move on.
Question: So let us discuss about Obamacare. Why it has been such a failure and what will you do about it?
Trump: Obamacare has been a disaster. It has been the biggest disaster in the world after Obama. We will repeal it like slavery. We will replace it with something better. I cannot tell you what I will replace it with. It is a plan that has been kept secret so that the sick people and the doctors do not catch hold of it. But I can tell you – we will remove the lines in the map. Have you seen those lines in the map? They are disgusting. Have you seen Florida? It looks like a flaccid penis in the map, trying to penetrate Cuba. We will remove all lines and make America great again.
Clinton: Well, I want to replace Obama, not Obamacare. For the remaining details, please visit my website. By the way, it is hosted on a private server (smiles and winks).
Trump: What Hillary is not telling you is that she is in favour of a single payer plan, like they have in Canada. You know what these sick Canadians do when they want a surgery? They come to the US. Like Pamela Anderson. Where did she get her boob job done? USA. And I insisted on it, just like I did for my first wife after she had my three children. They look beautiful now. Just like the gilded domes of Trump Taj Mahal.
And let’s not forget. Bill Clinton called Obamacare “the craziest thing in the world”. I mean, this guy was married to Hillary for forty years and he calls Obamacare the craziest thing. How crazy does it have to be?
Raddatz: Okay, let’s move on.
Question: I am a Muslim American and can you tell me how to make us feel better after holding us responsible over the last two years for the imminent destruction of civilization?
Trump: Islamophobia is bad. But Islamic terrorism is worse. And you know how I will get rid of Islamophobia? I will get rid of Muslims. No Muslims, no phobia, no Islamophobia.
And Secretary Clinton here, she cannot even say “radical Islamic terror.”
Clinton: Radical Islamic Terror.
Trump: You cannot say “radical Islamic terror”.
Clinton: I just did.
Trump: But I said “not” in the end. So it doesn’t count.
Clinton: Radical Islamic Terror.
Clinton: Oh, come on.
Trump: And I opposed Iraq War. In fact, I wanted to enter into a shady business deal with Saddam Hussein like I did with Muammar Gaddafi, but you guys killed Hussein and then you guys killed Gaddafi. And then you say, American businesses are not doing well overseas.
Clinton: You did not oppose Iraq War.
Trump: Yes, I did.
Clinton: No, you did not.
Trump: Yes, I did.
Clinton: Just visit my god damn website to find out.
Raddatz: Next question. We know it is okay for politicians to be corrupt, shameless, murderers and sexual assaulters. We all watch ‘House of Cards’. But are politicians allowed to be two faced? Like that villain in ‘The Dark Knight’.
Clinton: I recommend you watch ‘Lincoln’. Brilliant movie, great direction. I give it 4.9/5 stars.
Trump: This is a joke. She is blaming Abraham Lincoln for this. You don’t even have a beard. Although I do wish, someone took out a gun and shot you dead, like they did to Lincoln. And ‘Lincoln’ is a disaster of a movie.
Clinton: At least, it is better than the sex tape you asked people to watch at 3 in the morning.
Cooper: Mr. Trump, can you send me a link of that video? I was up all night searching for the video but could not find it.
Trump: Well my people are currently uploading the video. I will let you know once…
Raddatz: Moving on…(clears throat)…
Trump: Why did you keep interrupting me everytime I speak? Are you my wife? And even my wife does not interrupt me. I don’t get interrupted by any woman. I am no pussy.
Raddatz: MOVING ON…Do you pay any taxes Mr. Trump?
Trump: No, nada, zero, zilch.
But it is not my fault. It is Hillary’s fault. I mean I am just a poor multibillionaire who used accounting gimmicks to not pay tax for eighteen years. I want to contribute so much to the economy, but it breaks my heart that I cannot do anything because of these tax loopholes. But look at Hillary Clinton. She has been a senator for eight years. She is doing nothing about it. She pays her taxes and feels so smug about it. How can you even compare the two of us? It is obviously Hillary’s fault.
Clinton: (Grins sheepishly) Just go to my website.
Trump: I know the tax code better than anyone. I have used it to personally benefit myself. Please vote for me so that I can make these tax codes work even better for myself and my business.
Raddatz: We will move on to Syria.
Trump: Syria is a disaster. We need to ally with Russia.
Raddatz: Mr. Trump, do you have a secret fetish for Putin?
Trump: I know nothing about Russia apart from their models. I know nothing about Putin. But you know what, have you seen that picture of Putin, shirtless, riding a horse? He looks so resplendent in that photo. From the day I saw that picture, I just wanted to be that horse.
Raddatz: But Mike Pence said last week that US needs to retaliate against the Russian bombing in Aleppo?
Trump: Mike who?
Raddatz: Mike Pence, your running mate?
Trump: Oh, that guy. He is a joke. He looks like a wax statue of himself. I have had enough issues with non-working mics and hot mics this week. I do not really give a fuck about a Mike any more. You know what I will do with him. I will just drop him. Like this. (Drops his mic)
Cooper: Secretary Clinton, any comment on Syria?
Clinton: (Dozes off and suddenly wakes up with a start) What? Syria? Oh yes. No fly zone. Safe zones. Taking out Baghdadi. Fighting for Aleppo. I mean pretty much the same thing we are doing. Yawn. Are we done here?
Cooper: One last question from the audience.
Question: Tell me something you appreciate in each other.
Clinton: Oh what a dumbass, stupid little question. Well I appreciate Trump’s children and how he brought them up. I mean he did humiliate, torture and divorce their mother when she started looking old after all the childbirths. The eldest child named after him did turn out to be a Neo Nazi. And he did say that people can refer to his daughter as a ‘piece of ass’. But still they are alive, functional and beautiful. What else do you want?
Trump: Well I appreciate that Hillary is a fighter and not a quitter. I mean look at her husband. This guy practically slept with half the population of Arkansas. Still, she is going strong with him. Unless you really do not want to quit, I don’t know how you can remain married to that guy for forty years.
Raddatz: Thank you.
Cooper: I want to thank all of you for participating in this debate. And especially the guys back home who watched it on television. This debate was nothing but a bunch of ugly, repulsive, nasty ad hominem attacks exchanged between the two candidates who aspire to be the leader of the free world. Thanks for being a witness to the death of democracy. Rejoice.